I find myself coming back to this little blog a lot recently, and I’m finally forcing myself to talk about why.
I’m now home from uni for a bit, over the Easter holidays. I’ve been back for a bit and so far, haven’t managed to get any uni work done, which is driving me absolutely crazy. I finally sat myself down this afternoon to start doing some work, but I’ve just been staring into space for hours.
I’ve planned out everything that I need to get done, but I just can’t bring myself to properly begin. My brain is so fuzzy and grey; just writing these few sentences is taking so much out of me.
Sometimes I forget how bad my depression is, until I’m surrounded by happy people and I’m entirely isolated. Simple tasks like spelling, driving my car, or making a cup of tea are so difficult. I can’t concentrate on anything, and my soul just feels so so heavy. It’s like being trapped in a really dark tunnel, but without the light at the end.. so more like a cave or something? I don’t really know where I was going with that analogy.
I’m now 13 days away from my dissertation deadline, and I have two extended essays due on the same day as well. I got loads of work done while I was back at uni by myself, but the isolation made me more miserable than I could’ve imagined. Now I’m back at home, there’s a lot more distractions, and more excuses not to do anything. It’s taking everything in me to not just quit on today and go back to bed. The depression feels so heavy and suffocating and inescapable today, and it’s so exhausting.
I know there’s only 2 weeks of this essay torture remaining, which simultaneously feels like an insufficient but overwhelming period of time. It’s only two weeks, but I can’t do it.