Self destruct

I’ve been on my Easter break from uni for a few days now, but I’ve stayed in my uni house alone, in the hope of being able to get some extra work done before my deadlines in a few weeks.

I’m so super stressed and my ED is killing me. It’s crippling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel crazy and so out of control and I don’t really know what’s going on. I think it’s just really hit me that I’m going to be all on my own for the next 3 weeks, and this really doesn’t feel like a good idea anymore. I know I need to get the work done, and I’m planning on spending all day tomorrow in the library, but I’m just going to have to see how I go. This is already so much harder than I thought it would be. Like yeah, sure, being home alone comes with so much freedom and I can do or go where I want, but it’s also so so lonely.

I’ve spent today trying to relax, to try and prepare myself for the weeks ahead, but this is where things got a little trickier.

My stress release has always been baking. It’s calms me, and gives me something to concentrate on and it’s strangely therapeutic. But the problem here is that I’m alone; there’s nobody around to eat my baked goods. Usually I can rely on my housemates to polish off whatever I’ve made, but now I’m all alone and I feel like I’ve just backed myself into a corner.
I’ve just lifted a tray of my favourite cookies out of the oven, and I want to cry. They’re my favourites and I just want to make a cuppa and sit in front of the telly with 1 or 2. But I can’t. I really really just can’t. I don’t deserve to and they’ll just make me even huger and if I start I won’t be able to stop. What’s really terrifying, is that I was excited for my housemates to leave, because I was looking forward to having the freedom to purge whenever I needed to, without worrying about them hearing me or growing concerned.

So now I’m stuck in this internal war. Part of me wants to dump the whole fucking tray in the bin, and the other part of me wants to eat the lot and just purge afterwards.

I feel like a broken human with no control over her own brain, and it’s really fucking scary.

H x