I’ve been in a bit of a slump recently. I’ve been entirely consumed within my depression, my SH is getting ridiculous and my ED is worse than ever. But today I feel alright, and that’s huge.
Yesterday was really bad. I couldn’t see past this huge grey emptiness that surrounded me, and I had no desire to do, be or say anything. I felt so empty and lost and alone and so entirely helpless. I spent the whole day looking at the same four walls. The simplest of things, like going to make a cup of tea or replying to a text, took an incredible amount of effort. My depression has not been that bad in such a long time, and I’d almost forgotten just how dark those days are.
I’ve been really stressed with uni and I’ve been setting myself all of these unattainable and ridiculous deadlines, because I just feel so overwhelmed by how much work I have to do. It’s impossible to feel on top of everything; there’s always more to do, and being such a fucking perfectionist makes it very difficult to prioritise the important stuff.
My housemate got home yesterday evening and decided I needed to go out for a walk. I really didn’t want to, but I knew I needed it. We live really close to a beautiful park on top of a hill, which looks out over the city, and it’s so peaceful. So we went and chatted a bit, then went and sat on the swings in the kids playground for a bit, in silence.
I got on that swing and felt 12 again, young and free and innocent and naïve. I swung as high as I could go and the cold wind on my face made me feel somewhat alive again. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t magically fix my brain or anything, but for a few seconds, I felt okay.
Swinging in the dark, with the cold breeze, we could hear the traffic of the city below and the rustlings of the wildlife around us, and it was so peaceful. I felt the clarity I’d been searching for all day. I was just a girl looking down on a big city, and all the stuff in my head felt a little more insignificant.
There’s a big wide world out there, I guess all I needed was a little perspective.