Self destruct

I’ve been on my Easter break from uni for a few days now, but I’ve stayed in my uni house alone, in the hope of being able to get some extra work done before my deadlines in a few weeks.

I’m so super stressed and my ED is killing me. It’s crippling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel crazy and so out of control and I don’t really know what’s going on. I think it’s just really hit me that I’m going to be all on my own for the next 3 weeks, and this really doesn’t feel like a good idea anymore. I know I need to get the work done, and I’m planning on spending all day tomorrow in the library, but I’m just going to have to see how I go. This is already so much harder than I thought it would be. Like yeah, sure, being home alone comes with so much freedom and I can do or go where I want, but it’s also so so lonely.

I’ve spent today trying to relax, to try and prepare myself for the weeks ahead, but this is where things got a little trickier.

My stress release has always been baking. It’s calms me, and gives me something to concentrate on and it’s strangely therapeutic. But the problem here is that I’m alone; there’s nobody around to eat my baked goods. Usually I can rely on my housemates to polish off whatever I’ve made, but now I’m all alone and I feel like I’ve just backed myself into a corner.
I’ve just lifted a tray of my favourite cookies out of the oven, and I want to cry. They’re my favourites and I just want to make a cuppa and sit in front of the telly with 1 or 2. But I can’t. I really really just can’t. I don’t deserve to and they’ll just make me even huger and if I start I won’t be able to stop. What’s really terrifying, is that I was excited for my housemates to leave, because I was looking forward to having the freedom to purge whenever I needed to, without worrying about them hearing me or growing concerned.

So now I’m stuck in this internal war. Part of me wants to dump the whole fucking tray in the bin, and the other part of me wants to eat the lot and just purge afterwards.

I feel like a broken human with no control over her own brain, and it’s really fucking scary.

H x

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Perspective

I’ve been in a bit of a slump recently. I’ve been entirely consumed within my depression, my SH is getting ridiculous and my ED is worse than ever. But today I feel alright, and that’s huge.

Yesterday was really bad. I couldn’t see past this huge grey emptiness that surrounded me, and I had no desire to do, be or say anything. I felt so empty and lost and alone and so entirely helpless. I spent the whole day looking at the same four walls. The simplest of things, like going to make a cup of tea or replying to a text, took an incredible amount of effort. My depression has not been that bad in such a long time, and I’d almost forgotten just how dark those days are.

I’ve been really stressed with uni and I’ve been setting myself all of these unattainable and ridiculous deadlines, because I just feel so overwhelmed by how much work I have to do. It’s impossible to feel on top of everything; there’s always more to do, and being such a fucking perfectionist makes it very difficult to prioritise the important stuff.

My housemate got home yesterday evening and decided I needed to go out for a walk. I really didn’t want to, but I knew I needed it. We live really close to a beautiful park on top of a hill, which looks out over the city, and it’s so peaceful. So we went and chatted a bit, then went and sat on the swings in the kids playground for a bit, in silence.

I got on that swing and felt 12 again, young and free and innocent and naïve. I swung as high as I could go and the cold wind on my face made me feel somewhat alive again. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t magically fix my brain or anything, but for a few seconds, I felt okay.

Swinging in the dark, with the cold breeze, we could hear the traffic of the city below and the rustlings of the wildlife around us, and it was so peaceful. I felt the clarity I’d been searching for all day. I was just a girl looking down on a big city, and all the stuff in my head felt a little more insignificant.

There’s a big wide world out there, I guess all I needed was a little perspective.

H x