Connection

Why is it, that I can’t turn off my phone without feeling guilty? Why do I feel like I need to be contactable every second of the day? How can a device that’s supposed to connect me with others, instead make me feel so detached?

I understand the marvel of the technological era, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t love my phone and social media etc., but today I’m just really done with all of it. Right now, my phone and this whole online world makes me feel so trapped.

The last couple of days have been shittier than usual. I’ve barely eaten, and what I do I’m forced to throw right back up, my depression is consuming me, my anxiety is through the roof and I’ve been more suicidal than ever before. I can’t function, I’m failing miserably at painting on a smile so my housemates think that I’m fine, I’ve missed 4/6 of my uni contact hours this week and I genuinely feel like I’m drowning. Everything is getting to me, I cried yesterday because my last yoghurt was out of date, like it’s actually ridiculous.

I don’t want to talk to anybody. I know that’s probably the worst thing I could possibly do when I’m feeling so low, but the thought of interacting with other people and trying to maintain this image of how they view me, especially when I don’t feel like myself at all, just seems like an impossible task. It’s not that I don’t love my friends and family, I just don’t want to talk right now. I just feel so guilty.

I’ve received a few messages today that were important, but honestly, that doesn’t even matter right now, I just don’t care about anything. I think I’ve just gotten to the point where I feel so horrific that I can’t bare the thought of human interaction, I just want to curl into a little ball and hide in bed.

I turned my phone off this afternoon, and honestly I don’t even miss it. It’s like a sigh of relief, and I feel a lot freer not having to check a device every 5 minutes. But I also feel really really guilty for the messages I haven’t replied to yet. They’re all my friends and I know that ultimately, they’re not going to hate me for not replying for a while. I guess with everything going around my head right now, the last thing I want to do is burden them. I know eventually I’ll feel better, and a good night’s sleep will probably help, but for now, I’m unbearably overwhelmed and I wish I could stop living.

H x

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