The unknown: post-graduation fear

I keep finding myself caught in moments of creative inspirations, one of which is occurring right now. Usually, I’m on some kind of public transport, and have these weird little waves of ideas, but right now, I’m stuck in my third year uni room, with an indefinite future ahead of me.

*background info* I’ve been in the process of organising a volunteering placement overseas with a charity, for a whole year, following my graduation. This process lasted over 6 months, 2 applications, 3 references, 7 interviews, and too many emails to count. I put a lot of things in my life on hold, but to cut a long story short, I was rejected from this organisation yesterday. They provided very little explanation and so this goal I’ve been working towards for so long was gone, just like that.

For almost 2 years, my post-graduation plan was to take this year out with the charity and take some time out of studying, before returning home to study for a PGCE, and later become a teacher. I’ve never been 100% sure that teaching is where I want to go, so this year out was supposed to give me a break to work out what I really wanted.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that yeah rejection happens and it’s expected, but that doesn’t make it any less shitty. It’s soul-destroying to work so hard for something, to then have it taken away so quickly. As a third year, to suddenly find out that I’ve got no clue what I’ll be doing after graduation is fucking terrifying.

Now February is upon us, and I’ve never felt more uncertain of my direction. With dissertation deadlines, essays, presentations, readings and exams to prepare for, I’m not exactly stress-free at the moment. I’m so overwhelmed and lost.

So I’m trying to write. Not necessarily for my course or to be productive, but for me. I’m trying to journal more, and I want to take this myriad of notes on my phone and turn them into something a little more coherent. I guess I’m just really struggling to make sense of everything right now, but writing gives me clarity and an escape. Hopefully, through words, I’ll be able to find some sort of path out of this mess.

H x

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