Goodbye, 2016

2016. Hard to believe that four numbers could represent so much. This last year has gone by so quickly, and it’s been a kaleidoscope of amazing and terrible things.

2017 will be a big year for me. I’ll graduate from uni, I hope to start a year long tour with a charity, and I’ll submit my application to begin teacher training. With so many exciting things to come, why is it that I can’t stop looking back?

With the turn of a new year, reflection is only natural, usually followed by a surge in motivation and excitement for the year ahead. We’re only 5 days into 2017, and I know already that this year will be one of my hardest yet.

As I sit here, I’m in the middle of writing two extended essays, for submission in just over a week, and I have no idea how I will get them done in time. The festive season creates ample opportunity to put off academic responsibilities, and now I’m paying the price. What’s really frustrating, however, is that whilst everyone is wrapped up in their new year motivations, I feel no different, and I’m struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My third year at university has been a total whirlwind, I’ve been overwhelmed and broken and scared and unsure. It’s been more difficult than I could ever have prepared for, so in a sense, I can’t wait for it to be over. But I don’t want to wish the next few weeks and months away either. Going to university is the single greatest decision I ever made. I’ve learnt much more than what my course entails, and I’ve made the most incredible lifelong friends. But right now, I’m so overwhelmed. There’s so much I should be doing and so much I should’ve already done, that I don’t really know where to begin.  There’s always more to be done, and its impossible to ever truly feel in control or on top of this ridiculous workload.

My mental health is suffering too. I refuse to outwardly admit that I have an ED because it’s really not a big deal and I’m not skeletal so everything is fine. It gives me something to focus on other than uni work, and I just can’t see past the sense of achievement when I stand on the scales and more weight has gone. It’s euphoric. Right now, amidst the craziness of uni and being home for the holidays, those moments of ‘success’ make me feel in control again, and I need to hold on to that. I know it’s a problem, it’s a problem I didn’t want to bring through with me to a new year, but if feeding my ED makes me feel a little more in control right now, I’ll take it, because everything else is so out of reach.

For now, the plan is simply to plod on. These essays aren’t going to write themselves, I just wish I could shut off all the noise in my brain so that I could concentrate for a while.

2017, please be gentle with me.
H x